| | I'm thirty years old and last week I thought I had cancer.
Went to the doctor for a check up and finally resolved the problem of the lump I felt on my groin the week before. The weekend preceding the doctor's appointment, I psyched myself out so badly I could do nothing. I thought and thought every second, trying to figure out what I'd do when the disease was diagnosed, how would I tell my family and friends, and even coworkers. What would I do if it was so far advanced because of the smoking that a specialist would tell me I only have months to live. The things I wanted to do before the end. I thought about it all and drive myself insane in a matter of hours, actually.
Check up came and went and I found out there wasn't anything serious about it: lymph glands not being able to process lymph at the necessary rate. Did a testicular cancer check and it was all okay. Then, he asked me what else and I told him, and he said I may want to check myself for hepatitis. I said okay and the blood tests were ordered.
I am of the mind that whatever it is you want in life--really want to experience--you have the time to do it and you should. All of it, or die trying.
Doctor calls me this morning with my results.
I've written a book, seen two oceans, been in love, gone to New York. Four out of five. And suddenly there is no more time for anything.
Already, the two people I know who know, I feel myself dying in their minds. You hear the words out in the atmosphere, it's the proverbial bull in the china shop. You say the words and it breaks your heart. You sit there, playing with your hands because you can't think of anything else that matters. Suddenly there are a million-billion things that have to be done but no time. Now, it feels as if all of the future that's supposed to come is bulleting faster than light-speed and there is no room for mistakes, not anymore.
When I thought I had cancer, I thought I might use this blog to document that experience. After the doctor, the idea went right out the window. This morning, after the doctor's call, and now, here this is.
I'm thirty years old and today I found out I'm HIV positive.
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| | Posted 9/28/2007 11:13 PM - 50 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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